Memoir re: Loss

When my dear friend, Trici, died, I read everything I could on the subject of grief and loss. I was surprised that a MEMOIR, entitled In The Unlikely Event of a Water Landing: A Geography of Grief, was the book that first “spoke” to me. Christopher Noel’s candor about the death of his fiance’ and his use of language to describe the texture of grief helped me feel that someone else in the world “got it” ~ someone understood how loss changes you.

Do you have a Memoir you would recommend that helped you feel less alone when you experienced the death of someone precious? Please share in the Comments ~

(Noel’s book is out of print but may be found on a used book site. I found it at my public library.)

Blessings and thanks for sharing, Lynne

For Grief: A Blessing by John O’Donohue

For Grief

When you lose someone you love,
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you gets fragile,
Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;
And some dead echo drags your voice down
Where words have no confidence.

Your heart has grown heavy with loss;
And though this loss has wounded others too,
No one knows what has been taken from you
When the silence of absence deepens.

Flickers of guilt kindle regret
For all that was left unsaid or undone.

There are days when you wake up happy;
Again inside the fullness of life,
Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
Onto that black tide of loss.

Days when you have your heart back,
You are able to function well
Until in the middle of work or encounter,
Suddenly with no warning,
You are ambushed by grief.

It becomes hard to trust yourself.
All you can depend on now is that
Sorrow will remain faithful to itself.
More than you, it knows its way
And will find the right time
To pull and pull the rope of grief
Until that coiled hill of tears
Has reduced to its last drop.

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed,
And when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
To wean your eyes
From that gap in the air
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.

From
To Bless the Space Between Us:
A Book of Blessings

By John O’Donohue

Prayer of Thanksgiving

Here is another lovely missive that can be shared at a holiday table where someone precious is absent:

“For troubles that shape and sharpen our patience,
For doubts that let faith moments shine,
And for confusions that keep our lives from being rigid.
For sufferings that help us share another’s grief,
For fears that mark real terror in the world,
And for pains that open our eyes to joy.
For sorrows that join our hands to hope
And for loneliness that leads to the heart of God.
For all these gifts by which we have become more human, we give thanks.
Let our thanks reach out and embrace
The daily, small ingratitudes of our lives.”
– Maren C Tirabassi

Some Friends Know How to Show Up …

“We found that our circle of friends shifted … We were surprised and disappointed that people we thought were good friends became distant, uneasy, and seemed unable to help us. Others who were casual acquaintances became suddenly close, sustainers of life for us. Grief changes the rules, and sometimes rearranges the combinations.”
– Martha Whitmore Hickman, Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief

I have heard from many clients that friends and family often don’t know how to show up in their lives after a loss experience. It is often true that the griever becomes the model for how to do just that with friends and family; they show up in ways they were met with compassion or in ways they WISH they had been supported.

This little book has an entry for each day of the year. A quote tops each page followed by a missive written by Martha Whitmore Hickman. The quotes are wonderful “prompts” for journal writing OR Ms. Hickman has authored a companion journal as a guide.

Blessings ~ Lynne

Support for a friend who is grieving

It can be difficult to know how to help a friend who is grieving. People who have experienced a death of someone precious are often the best resources for knowing what to say or do (and what NOT to say or do). Lynn Kelly wrote a book entitled “Don’t Ask for the Dead Man’s Golf Clubs: What to Do and Say When a Friend Loses a Loved One”. It’s out of print so check your public library or find the link on amazon that will point you to a copy via a used book source.

Wisdom

“Wisdom sustains the mind’s capacity to respond with benevolence.”
– Sylvia Boorstein, PhD,
Happiness is an Inside Job: Practicing for a Joyful Life

Feelings are Valuable Not Negative

“What are the ways we remain secure within ourselves and handle what happens? … we view our feelings as valuable rather than negative, shameful or unfortunate. As feelings are expressed and resolved, we are left with no resentment about what triggered them. We then can more easily believe in how life unfolds in favor of our growth when we say ‘yes’ to its knocks.”
David Richo, Everyday Commitments: Choosing a Life of Love, Realism, and Acceptance

Art is the set of wings …

“Art is the set of wings to carry you out of your own entanglement.”

– Joseph Campbell, Reflections on the Art of Living: A Joseph Campbell Companion

Your Highest Priorities

“You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage – pleasantly, smilingly nonapologetically – to say ‘no’ to other things. And the way to do that is by having a bigger ‘yes’ burning inside. The enemy of the ‘best’ is often the ‘good’.” – Stephen Covey, First Things First

I will not forget you …

If you are looking for a way to honor someone who will not be with you at Thanksgiving, here is a lovely recitation:

“The truest words of all: I will not forget you. You are in my waking thoughts, my sweetest memories, my dearest dreams. I will not forget you. You have touched my soul, opened my eyes, changed my very experience of the universe. I will not forget you. I see you in the flowers, the sunset, the sweep of the horizon and all things that stretch to infinity. I will not forget you. I have carved you on the palm of my hand. I carry you with me forever.”
– Ellen Sue Stern